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Note, Circa 2000, Found in Antique Armchair.

by Lord RC


Andy,

You must realise that as I write this a huge green eyeball is staring at me from the television set. A human eyeball not an alien one. I'm kinda worried because it just came on and started looking at me. Then it started checking out the living room, rolling around over my possessions as if everything I owned was of utmost importance to it. It's looking at me now.

My first thought, of course, was to grab this pen and paper and write down what happened, you know, before it was too late. Which is why you must excuse this scribbled note. I hope you can read it. I hope you get it. If it comes down to it I'll stuff it down the side of my chair at the last moment. Leave some record of what happened to me... But... then again, what good would that do? This fucking eyeball's watching everything I do.

I just gave it the finger.

It blinked.

Now you might be wondering why I don't just turn my TV off, extinguish this eyeball. But... well... what would you do? Would turning the TV off make the eyeball go away? Or would it still be there? I had thought of changing the channel, switch to A & E or something... But I couldn't do it. What if I switch to A & E -- a channel you normally wouldn't expect to find huge eyeballs on -- and it's still there! What if it's on every channel!!! What am I gonna do then?

No. I'm not changing this channel. I'm watching this fucking eyeball. Pretty soon it's gonna have to fall asleep. I can outlast any eyeball what with all these drugs I've got handy. It ain't gonna outwake me! No, no way.

Fucking eyeball. I think it's getting sleepy already...

Hmmm. Wait a second. It's not really green. What is this? It's lit with a green light? That means it's not really green but probably light blue. Why the hell would a light blue eyeball lit green be on my TV set!?

Something's not right here. I'm not fucked up! There is this phony green eyeball on my TV set! And it's not going to sleep. I've got a sneaking suspicion the eyeball's on drugs. Eyeball's like that I've seen before... Aw, man, the sumbitch is probably on acid and I'll be up all night staring it down.... Jeeez...

Whaddya think Andy, would it be alright if I went and took a leak? I gotta go sometime or it's gonna be a really long night. I gotta watch this eyeball though... What if the instant I leave the room the damn thing changes into some disgusting monster like at the end of Philip K. Dick's The Unteleported Man and then right when I get back it changes back into an eyeball? I can't risk it. I gotta sit here.

Hell. I can handle it. I've went long periods before when I had to take a leak. No fucking problem. At least the thing isn't talking to me...

It just started mumbling... real low. Can't quite make out what it's saying... sorta rhythmic... evil...

Jesus Christ! It's the Devil! Oh man... What am I gonna do now, pray? But I can't pray! If I get down on my knees that means I'll be facing the eyeball. I can't do that. God wouldn't like it if I prayed to an evil eyeball... Christ! The fucking Devil's eyeball's on my TV set and I gotta take a leak! It's gonna be a long night...

Okay. So if I change the channel and the eyeball's still there, that means I can freak out legitimately. No one could blame me then, I mean, freaking out would be a natural response under the circumstances. But what if I change the channel and something stupid like Nightline is on? Then I'll look like an idiot. Of course! All I've gotta do is change the channel. I've got the flipper here, I'll just flip to CNN, that's nice and normal.

NO! I almost did it! I almost did it Andy! That was close. I better put this remote control out of reach before I get a spasm and inadvertantly push one of the buttons. I don't want to find out. I don't want to know whose eyeball this is. Better to be watched by the eyeball you know than the one you don't. Big Brother. Watching you everywhere while you're in your artificial room. Like Winston Smith and Julia going about their sordid business under the grinding lenses of the State.

But, mustn't get paranoid. It's only an eyeball. A big one but still just an eyeball. And green. And probably on drugs. Is that a good sign, an eyeball on drugs? Does that mean it belongs to one of us? Surely the Authorities wouldn't be on drugs would they? And it's not doing nothing, just watching.

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna take a leak.

I did it! The eyeball didn't change or anything, or at least I can't prove it did. It looks the same to me. Big and green

Yeah, well fuck you eyeball! Stare all you want you don't scare me (I just fingered it about 50 times) and fuck all you pigs who control it. I've sensed you watching me from this TV set even before this blatant eyeball. I know you're out there. You ain't fooling me. Well I'm gonna have my say before you come in: fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! There, Whaddaya think of that? Fucking eyeball.

Fuck! I better get my gun. That probably pissed them off and they'll be barging in here any minute. Shit, if I hurry maybe it won't have time to change...

I'm back. I feel better now. I've got my gun. First sumbitch through that door gets blown away. Hey, that's the name of the game when they lift the veil from the TV set and reveal their true selves. It's getting down to it now. Like the Clash said, When they kick in your front door, how you gonna come? With your hands on your head or on the trigger of your gun? Yeah, they'll have to pry this baby from my cold dead fingers. Come on! Let's do it! Let's get down to it! I'm ready. Bring on your Nazi hordes. I'll wipe them all out. I've got lots of bullets.

And as for you, you great big green eyeball, this for you!

... Aw man I just blew away my goddamn TV set. Fuck!


Dave Hyde, 6-26-1992. This has been another Ganymedean Slime Mold Prod.


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